Today I had an Epiphany. While i had an experience outside my bathroom window, As the rain fell, Dampening my hair and catching in my eye lashes.
I Remeberd the small gesture you made on my sixteenth birthday. The card made me cry. It said "Dear Zoe i bought this locket for you when you where just a tiny cluster of cells awaiting to come into this world, I will always love you, Your father"
This sent my head swimming and made tears stream down my face. I don't know if it's the constant question that i ask myself everyday. "Would you love me more if i was what you wanted me to be?" Or the fact that i had lost all hope that you did indeed love me before you reminded me.
But really the gesture makes me think. You didn't do this for the me now. You did it for the me then. The most certainly perfect child you expected. I know you aren't happy with my appearance. You have never once complimented me on my looks. And i know you would rather hide most days. i know you aren't proud of my achivments because you always tell me to do better. I know you wish i was male to begin with.
I wish i didn't have to question if you love me or not. But yes you do show small glimpses of affection, I just wish you would actually tell me you loved me because i have never once heard the words pass through your lips.
I don't know what more i can do but hope you tell me you love me before you or I leave this world. Because knowing is far better then not.