Sunday, August 8, 2010
Dad also said it was unlikely that you will make it to my 21st.
I hope to find some form of trust in somone soon.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I have changed over my absence and it seems that my old posts are rather depressing and lonely.
I have decided to change that, and will hopefully focus on the brighter side of my life.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
I Remeberd the small gesture you made on my sixteenth birthday. The card made me cry. It said "Dear Zoe i bought this locket for you when you where just a tiny cluster of cells awaiting to come into this world, I will always love you, Your father"
This sent my head swimming and made tears stream down my face. I don't know if it's the constant question that i ask myself everyday. "Would you love me more if i was what you wanted me to be?" Or the fact that i had lost all hope that you did indeed love me before you reminded me.
But really the gesture makes me think. You didn't do this for the me now. You did it for the me then. The most certainly perfect child you expected. I know you aren't happy with my appearance. You have never once complimented me on my looks. And i know you would rather hide most days. i know you aren't proud of my achivments because you always tell me to do better. I know you wish i was male to begin with.
I wish i didn't have to question if you love me or not. But yes you do show small glimpses of affection, I just wish you would actually tell me you loved me because i have never once heard the words pass through your lips.
I don't know what more i can do but hope you tell me you love me before you or I leave this world. Because knowing is far better then not.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I thought i was taking control, But really things are spinning out of control and I'm completely stressed. I think i should sleep on it. Or i'm going to do something stupid that may hurt me or others around me. This is possibly a pointless post because i'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Or worse.
I just wish i had more control. I think i made bad choices. And now i have to sit and await the outcome.
And i wish i never ever met that person at Douglas's 18th because they have hurt me so much and they don't even realise it, They make me feel childish because i hate them because they hurt me. And i can't get over it. i want them to feel the pain i felt and it will never happen. Because again i have no control. I don't posses the power to hurt them. And it hurts me more.
I should always listen to Douglas. I shouldn't listen to myself because i am a very stupid person.
And it shows with the choices i make.
I can't handle it. I wish i could go for a walk to clear my head.
Fuck it i will....
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I have been on the cyber networks mostly, I have been watching films and TV series. One of which is "the vampire diaries" this, as much as i hate to admit it, is pretty damn good. But one flaw to this show is how everyone in it is conventionally "perfect" looking this dulls my sense of reality... because i watch these flawless women, then hobble over to the kitchen and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and realise how un "perfect" i am, and start to hate myself. But when i think about it, I myself are not attracted to completely flawless people, I'm attracted to something that defines that person such as an odd laugh, and odd feature and a flawed personality. This gets me to thinking, every teenage girl and most likely women wants to be perfect, but to me that in it's self is flawed because to me i find imperfections perfect! it may be contradictory but it's just how i see it!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
The little guys who sleep in foil. One makes me see things and sleepy the other makes me feel ill and burnie.. They are crazy but help heaps! i can see how people get addicted!! furrr shurrre!
I have become addicted to downloading music since this weekend. I have found so many artists! and new loves, If i can't dance i can still groove and listen to beats.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
You think that you and your wife and son are the only people on earth, but you have forgotten you have two children. I'm sorry I'm not your Son.. I'm sorry my mother turned out to be something you would rather sweep under the rug along with me. I'm Sorry that I'm hate full to you.. you gave me life but i can't love you. You treat me as if i have value As if i could sit on your shelf the only time you acknowledge me is when i achieve then i go back to the shelf i came from. I dance and entertain your friends.. You know nothing off me.. We are so distant that the bonds of birth have been completely lost.. you make me live in a separate house, You make me pay you money, you steel from me, I allow you.
you make me so angry i want to scream all of my repressed emotions at you. but every time i bite my tongue. You are why I can't handle my emotions you are why I care more about my friends then you. You are not my family you are my Nemesis And always will be, because you have let me slip away and become like this. full of hate and bitterness, emotions i despise!
We will never be normal. You don't even know what i want to be when I grow up. Nor do you care.
It hurts the most because you know what i have to deal with, With my mother You are supposed to help me be strong. but you have made me weak and fragile.
You do not deserve me. And i wish you only knew.....
This morning was so very lovely considering the brutality i had planned. Doug and i put on our cammo and ventured forth into the unknowns of "out back Ranga-roo"
Our target were the many thousands of inbred bunnies that live in the scrub. Our weapon! compound bow MOTHER FUCKERRRRRR!
Did we kill? To be honest.. No.
Did we kick ass.... Yes.
It was brilliant! I want to kill bunnies more often!
I even got to have an arrow ricochet of some trees :)
I have no idea what we would of done if we actually hit one of the bunnies!
Owell in my opinion waking up early was totally worth it!
Perhaps instead of the bow I'll bite the heads of the cute furry 4 toed fucks next time...
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
1) I'm terrified of age! I feel that perhaps I'm in my prime now, What if i become horribly disfigured with age? As much as i love cats i don't want them to be my only relationship at the age of 50.
2) I wondered if any of the many people who drifted past me had been in my exact position at my age and this is what they had become, stuck in Lithgow for the remaining of there lives as if in limbo. I feared that these people had also had no idea what they wanted to do in life... just played it cool until there was no remaining options left... What if my ultimate fate is to remain in Lithgow for the rest of my life, being the weird old lady with two many cats who stands out the front of Cole's with a bag of lettuce.
i really hope that's not what i become! But if i have no idea of what i want to be is it decided for me?
Dear age.. you are a bitch and i hope you stay away from me!
I will try and make this as deep as possible.
In my opinion anonymous abuse is the lowest form of abuse! So much is wrong with being cowardly!
but i must admit i find it funny and upsetting at the same time. As soon as it happens i try to think of anyone who would want to make me upset. Then i get angry that someone would be so low as to do it secretly. You gain so much less when you do things secretly. But i guess the lovely thing is i make my assumptions and yes the result is filthy! Slutty and cunty all at the same time.
Congrats at making me lose even more respect for you!
Douglas you are awesome and as the caronna box in my bed room says " Doug kicks shit" That you do...
You and Brittani are my hero's stay cool and continue to influence me!
Monday, March 15, 2010
It all started a while ago When my friend group at school started playing hacky sack it looked so overwhelming from a distance that i couldn't help but want to join in!
At first i was awful... and Nemo and Elias made fun of me for my capabilities at sucking at sack!
But i kept trying because i was in love!
Admittedly Nemo said i was improving, So i reaped the rewards at lunch and recess bouncing the small ball of my knee's and toes.
But I have a problem... i kick... And this leads to the hacky sack landing on the roof.
Every single hacky sack i have played with... has ended up on a roof or behind a heater or on a high shelf.. (due to my height, inaccessible!)
This has lead to me being BANNED from hacky sack.... ( By Nemo... the jerk)
I can stand in the hacky circle as long as i don't do anything.
I can play with my own hacky sack but not Nemo's.
I AM NEVER ALOUD TO HACK IT ONTO THE ROOF!
I am starting to agree with Nemo, i really aren't any good. Just today i was hacking by myself under a roof... a small over hang below the roof caught my hacky sack... So even when below a roof my hacky sack ends upon it.
I don't know if this will continue forever.. But i do know that TSHSFYNC.. ( The Secret Hacky Sack, Fuck You Nemo Crew) pronounced "tshhh fink" made up of the select few known as Michael, Emily and Maddie, Are starting a rebellion against the hacky sack repressors!!!
I will hack to the death... My brutality will continue and Nemo... You can suck my sack.....
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I would like to plead to humanity or at least my generation of cunt's and crack whores to start to use those shriveled set of rules that remain deep in your hearts because we are losing so much!
This wouldn't be a teenagers blog with out some cliche teenage angst! Why is it all so hard!
But seriously it's not that I wouldn't complain if things were so easy, because I'm sure it would become boring... But there are so many complications that occur because we make them harder ourselves! both my headings lead to this hardship. We Love but make it harder by not being sure if it's love or lust or even friendship and this leads us on a path to more confusion with "do they like me back" or is it "love me back"
I would like to think If some people indeed had more morality then less pain would be in the world and until then I'll just wait...