Sunday, August 8, 2010


Dear mother, I love you with all my heart. But my heart is becoming smaller and smaller each time i talk to you. I discussed you with dad the other night, It was nice to hear him say something nice about you. That when he first met you, you where almost perfect, You had a large amount of brilliance to you and a small amount of crazy. He said that now it has been reversed. I will admit I'm jealous he got to see you in your most brilliant stage and that never in my life have i seen you like that. I want to see you on my 18Th birthday, the 16Th just so you remember i know you always forget!
Dad also said it was unlikely that you will make it to my 21st.


Yeah so today was dificult, These days i'm feeling pretty alone. Like disconeccted to my friends, Maybe it's all in my head. But i feel I really can't connect to anyone, to the point of being able to tell them evrything. This causes problems for me in all honesty, Because i'm dealing with way to many things at the moment and it's causing me to get really angry/frustrated easily.

I hope to find some form of trust in somone soon.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


Yeah so, I haven't written lately! And i want to write to assure anyone that i have had a great few days!

Last Friday night I slept in a cave with the lovely Thomas.B, Joel.B, Reuben.C and Aiden. A

It was a great night! I love male company so much! And the whole setting was beautiful, many a marsh mellow and good time was had, i hope to have this again sometime!

I'm content at the moment and pretty relaxed about everything, This is good but other people around me seem rather stressed, I hope they can pick up on my calm vibes and settle the fuck down....

Many questions have popped up around me lately, Questions of sexuality, If i like someone back, One emotion out weighing the other, How will manage without money?... And who am i? Yes! I'm in the middle of an Identity Crisis! but it's cool coz i can deal well, But really, sometimes i over think things in the shower and realise that I'm really no one, Like what do i possibly offer other people? Like i want to be everything anyone asks for, But no one ever asks me of anything, so how am i to comply. I often look to my friend Brittani. O and wonder how she manages everything perfectly, She is a brilliant people person, she offers what others want and i wish i was more like her!!! It's her birthday today and i had to borrow money off her, I feel like a REALLY shitty friend and I'm destined to make it up to her! I'll find something! i think I'll buy her lunch or dinner on my birthday! I really do love her!

Any way one of my fish died, Sidley... I cried.. It was so sad! But I'm coming to accept his death these days, I'll by another one like him.. but I'm sure he won't be the same!

Everything has been fine, accept the weather!!! Oh my i REALLY hate Lithgow weather... I want to hurt it.. it's so frustratingly cold!! and windy all on the same day!!! I never want to live here permanently in my entire life! It's too cold!

Any way that catches up for the last couple of days!

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


This is how I feel :D

Sunday, July 25, 2010


Mr E always makes me think of my mum, becuase everytime she was okay she would play them, i don't think many could understand how happy this band makes me feel.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Good Day.

A good breakfast makes for a good day.

I have Started eating breakfast and it's true what they say, my days are better with breakfast :)

Friday, July 23, 2010


I can feel it.


I hate my natural hair.... But i like what it looks like when i make it un natural.


Sometimes we both keep secrets from each other to make the other happy, some times at the same time.


Yep you were missed.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


Thank you beautiful Belgium boys who made me turn on my seat when i heard you speaking Flemish! You made my night and then you wished me a good one :)

Welcome home Zoe.

I doubt my blogging has been missed, But I'm back and going to blog out the sun!
I have changed over my absence and it seems that my old posts are rather depressing and lonely.
I have decided to change that, and will hopefully focus on the brighter side of my life.

I'm now a proud owner of a fish tank!
It makes me want to scream with joy! :)

Friday, May 14, 2010

Time goes on but do i go with it?

Time: Something that structures our lives.. yet we cannot see it... It's something based on nothing, And i think it beautiful that i have finally found something on this earth that we all believe in! Time is ours and we can share it.. we can keep it we can speed it up and slow it down and defy logic yet it will still keep on ticking! Or will it? Can we be sure this thing will really live on for ever? Will we discover something better and new and no longer all believe in something we can't see? I hope not. i like sharing it with others...


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Three is a beautiful number

Finally i have control again. Oh boy do i have plans for you!
Now i can hurt you. And i will feel the pleasure for once.

Friday, April 23, 2010


Today I had an Epiphany. While i had an experience outside my bathroom window, As the rain fell, Dampening my hair and catching in my eye lashes.
I Remeberd the small gesture you made on my sixteenth birthday. The card made me cry. It said "Dear Zoe i bought this locket for you when you where just a tiny cluster of cells awaiting to come into this world, I will always love you, Your father"
This sent my head swimming and made tears stream down my face. I don't know if it's the constant question that i ask myself everyday. "Would you love me more if i was what you wanted me to be?" Or the fact that i had lost all hope that you did indeed love me before you reminded me.
But really the gesture makes me think. You didn't do this for the me now. You did it for the me then. The most certainly perfect child you expected. I know you aren't happy with my appearance. You have never once complimented me on my looks. And i know you would rather hide most days. i know you aren't proud of my achivments because you always tell me to do better. I know you wish i was male to begin with.
I wish i didn't have to question if you love me or not. But yes you do show small glimpses of affection, I just wish you would actually tell me you loved me because i have never once heard the words pass through your lips.
I don't know what more i can do but hope you tell me you love me before you or I leave this world. Because knowing is far better then not.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

You douche.

Milk that i would most certainly owe you for, will not substitute for your shitty parenting... Even if the milk was on special.... And that you haven't realised i don't drink full cream...

You will never get it, The gesture makes it worse...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

It went away,but.

The feeling came back. I want to feel numb.

Feeling and control

Right now i feel a feeling i haven't felt for at least two years, It's not a good feeling. It's one that makes me want to hurt myself. And i really have no reason to want that.. I have accepted someone into my life again. and they have already started to hurt me. I Put my feelings on the line today, They weren't crushed. But The outcome isn't good. There is literally a 50/50 chance of happiness. So i don't know how i am meant to react in this situation. I'm confused and upset.
I thought i was taking control, But really things are spinning out of control and I'm completely stressed. I think i should sleep on it. Or i'm going to do something stupid that may hurt me or others around me. This is possibly a pointless post because i'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Or worse.
I just wish i had more control. I think i made bad choices. And now i have to sit and await the outcome.
And i wish i never ever met that person at Douglas's 18th because they have hurt me so much and they don't even realise it, They make me feel childish because i hate them because they hurt me. And i can't get over it. i want them to feel the pain i felt and it will never happen. Because again i have no control. I don't posses the power to hurt them. And it hurts me more.

I should always listen to Douglas. I shouldn't listen to myself because i am a very stupid person.
And it shows with the choices i make.
I can't handle it. I wish i could go for a walk to clear my head.
Fuck it i will....

Monday, April 19, 2010


Today was the first day back. I was nervous for some unexplainable reason. but upon arrival all was well again. I like school and I'm going to miss it. A place where people my age gather everyday is going to be hard to find again. I'm scared that i will drown in a sea of my own homework some day soon. but there is no way to catch up! And i don't understand ancient history! I tell myself it will be better when i have two working legs, but I'm sure that's a mental excuse... Any way today was good because i haven't smiled so hard in a long time! i felt as though i was glowing.

I love Emily's new hair.

I love Doug's new/old hat.

I like Rohan's new beanie.

And i generally enjoy the company and friends school provides!

Today i also caught the bus! my observation:

I love Brittani's fingerless gloves in the sunshine.

And i have missed the lovely bus bonding experiences i used to take for granted But now they are back and will be cherished!

Friday, April 9, 2010

I'm afraid,

Of it.

Well kids we tried...

And it didn't work, Lesson.. don't try again.

Monday, April 5, 2010


You are a fox!

A while.

Five days have passed since my last post? It doesn't feel like that. Well not much has happened in that space of time. My biggest excitement was going to the "Lithgow plaza"! what a joy..

I have been on the cyber networks mostly, I have been watching films and TV series. One of which is "the vampire diaries" this, as much as i hate to admit it, is pretty damn good. But one flaw to this show is how everyone in it is conventionally "perfect" looking this dulls my sense of reality... because i watch these flawless women, then hobble over to the kitchen and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and realise how un "perfect" i am, and start to hate myself. But when i think about it, I myself are not attracted to completely flawless people, I'm attracted to something that defines that person such as an odd laugh, and odd feature and a flawed personality. This gets me to thinking, every teenage girl and most likely women wants to be perfect, but to me that in it's self is flawed because to me i find imperfections perfect! it may be contradictory but it's just how i see it!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

I hate.

It's beautiful when we do things, But I hate that I enjoy your touch. I hate that you hurt me, every time you do it. Stop being, soft.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I find tentacles so appealing.

Hello baked experience

Today/Night I'm making Brownies!
What a experience it will be! New joys to be had for sure, Today was a lovely day although it seemed as if everything was tightly sealed in a zip lock bag, what i mean by this is i felt as though i was still on drugs... but i wasn't. It was sunny but i decided to wear a jumper..... i felt ill but had nothing on underneath.. I had discussions with people i normally don't talk to and that was lovely! I hope the new discussions spark a desire of others to speak to me often! Also i got my report back and received good marks so it's something to be proud off. Tonight will be a tribute to my efforts although i think i may put more effort in! But thank you premeditated fate for giving me a lovely and wonder filled day! hopefully this evening shall be as joy full!

Sunday, March 28, 2010

pop'n them


The little guys who sleep in foil. One makes me see things and sleepy the other makes me feel ill and burnie.. They are crazy but help heaps! i can see how people get addicted!! furrr shurrre!


I have become addicted to downloading music since this weekend. I have found so many artists! and new loves, If i can't dance i can still groove and listen to beats.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Doing it alone.

I dislocated my "patella" yesterday and now i have realised how hard it is to look after oneself with one leg. i can't turn on my TV, it takes 15 minutes longer to transport a drink from one room the the next, the frustration is unbearable. I'm confused as to why dad is offering no help... Why do i have to do it alone.. If he was in my situation he would undoubtedly have everyone waiting on him. Yet he chucks me my boxes of pain killers and a bottle of water he found in my kitchen and leaves... I don't know how to deal with this situation... Now I'm completely dependant on people in a completely independent environment. How am i going to do this for 6 weeks?!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Splish Splash.

The "deep" thing is still bothering me...

"my depths will consume you, Much like a fat guy consuming a tripple quater pounder, Haven't you heard? i'm a mother fucking lake"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The best.

Some times you just have a great day where everything just goes your way.
Today was one of those days, Asif everything has a white glow and you over use the phrase " it's all good!"
Today My hair looked nice along with my make up (small things make my days) I Had art first period witch continued on for the other two periods of my school day. Recess was lovely! spent with Raphael, Jason , Doug and Rhi. Sitting in the sunshine and generally enjoying each others company! Then got a lift down the street with Jason And Nemo. I checked my bank account. I knew that it should of had around $20 for sure and when i checked it.. it had a one before the amount i SHOULD of had! As Nemo said " A bank error in your favour collect $100". Thank you lifeoply!! Then while at country noodle i contacted Liam and we met up and he gave me a whole heap more then expected of posters!! It was a lovely thing to receive and for him to do!
Then while Nemo and Jason ate there country noodles i went to St Vincents ( VINNNNIES!!!!!!)
And when there i found A fantastic blue checked coat! checked pants and a checked shirt to wear to youth Olympics and a beautiful clip on tie along with a lovely vest and And a David Jones blazer witch can be used for school and for the 18th I'm attending on the weekend!!
All this cost me $22! Bargains do exist!
After this i walked back to school and hung out with Nemo, he tried to teach me to play the guitar but quickly realised i sucked and stopped i was fine listening to him play. He is pretty good.. But brilliant at base!
After that Nemo and I went to the bus bay and chatted. Then Douglas came! and the day was even better!! Talk about perfect days! The bus ride home was a happy experience as always!!
These days i wonder about the most! i wonder if anyone else has the same kind of day as well as me? Or if i have some kind of glow about myself! all i know is that these a magical days and should be cherished!

Monday, March 22, 2010

The simple gift.

As i listen to the mixed CD Emi-lie Emi-loo made me. i can't help but beam! The smallest things fill me with so much joy!!

Thank you, you pretty girl with very long hair!!!
You are the epitome of wonder full

Saturday, March 20, 2010

What I think of you.

You are vanity personified, You are everything I hate, You are selfish, malicious, Ignorant.
You think that you and your wife and son are the only people on earth, but you have forgotten you have two children. I'm sorry I'm not your Son.. I'm sorry my mother turned out to be something you would rather sweep under the rug along with me. I'm Sorry that I'm hate full to you.. you gave me life but i can't love you. You treat me as if i have value As if i could sit on your shelf the only time you acknowledge me is when i achieve then i go back to the shelf i came from. I dance and entertain your friends.. You know nothing off me.. We are so distant that the bonds of birth have been completely lost.. you make me live in a separate house, You make me pay you money, you steel from me, I allow you.
you make me so angry i want to scream all of my repressed emotions at you. but every time i bite my tongue. You are why I can't handle my emotions you are why I care more about my friends then you. You are not my family you are my Nemesis And always will be, because you have let me slip away and become like this. full of hate and bitterness, emotions i despise!

We will never be normal. You don't even know what i want to be when I grow up. Nor do you care.
It hurts the most because you know what i have to deal with, With my mother You are supposed to help me be strong. but you have made me weak and fragile.

You do not deserve me. And i wish you only knew.....

it's wabbit season.

I woke up at 6am this morn, to do what you ask? To kill i say.
This morning was so very lovely considering the brutality i had planned. Doug and i put on our cammo and ventured forth into the unknowns of "out back Ranga-roo"
Our target were the many thousands of inbred bunnies that live in the scrub. Our weapon! compound bow MOTHER FUCKERRRRRR!
Did we kill? To be honest.. No.
Did we kick ass.... Yes.
It was brilliant! I want to kill bunnies more often!
I even got to have an arrow ricochet of some trees :)
I have no idea what we would of done if we actually hit one of the bunnies!
Owell in my opinion waking up early was totally worth it!
Perhaps instead of the bow I'll bite the heads of the cute furry 4 toed fucks next time...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

As I stood.

Today i stood on one spot in Lithgow plaza for over twenty minutes, I seemingly went unnoticed although i was holding a plastic bag filled with lettuce, Anyway. As I stood i noticed the many people who walked by and upon that spot i discovered.
1) I'm terrified of age! I feel that perhaps I'm in my prime now, What if i become horribly disfigured with age? As much as i love cats i don't want them to be my only relationship at the age of 50.
2) I wondered if any of the many people who drifted past me had been in my exact position at my age and this is what they had become, stuck in Lithgow for the remaining of there lives as if in limbo. I feared that these people had also had no idea what they wanted to do in life... just played it cool until there was no remaining options left... What if my ultimate fate is to remain in Lithgow for the rest of my life, being the weird old lady with two many cats who stands out the front of Cole's with a bag of lettuce.
i really hope that's not what i become! But if i have no idea of what i want to be is it decided for me?
Dear age.. you are a bitch and i hope you stay away from me!

I need a hero.

This is to you rando Formspring abuser! I can only assume if you stalk my formspring you stalk my blog :) Yes you make me feel higher then you!

I will try and make this as deep as possible.

In my opinion anonymous abuse is the lowest form of abuse! So much is wrong with being cowardly!
but i must admit i find it funny and upsetting at the same time. As soon as it happens i try to think of anyone who would want to make me upset. Then i get angry that someone would be so low as to do it secretly. You gain so much less when you do things secretly. But i guess the lovely thing is i make my assumptions and yes the result is filthy! Slutty and cunty all at the same time.

Congrats at making me lose even more respect for you!
Douglas you are awesome and as the caronna box in my bed room says " Doug kicks shit" That you do...
You and Brittani are my hero's stay cool and continue to influence me!

Monday, March 15, 2010


You are what drives me! you are my reward at the end of the day, and today i want you early.
Today i was tired when i woke up, that didn't give me much hope for the rest of the day!
On the bus, little was said. Douglas was missing from our threesome and Brittani and I lack the enthusiasm Doug normally provides.
The day got worse... the sun called to me at recess so i laid on the concrete and bathed in it's glory.
Class work was boring and i didn't bring a pen....
Lunch was wild.
Home, now I'm still tired.

A new love, hacked!

This is a love of mine, Hacky sack and I. But I write in true sadness, for fear I may have to hang up my sack...
It all started a while ago When my friend group at school started playing hacky sack it looked so overwhelming from a distance that i couldn't help but want to join in!
At first i was awful... and Nemo and Elias made fun of me for my capabilities at sucking at sack!
But i kept trying because i was in love!
Admittedly Nemo said i was improving, So i reaped the rewards at lunch and recess bouncing the small ball of my knee's and toes.
But I have a problem... i kick... And this leads to the hacky sack landing on the roof.
Every single hacky sack i have played with... has ended up on a roof or behind a heater or on a high shelf.. (due to my height, inaccessible!)
This has lead to me being BANNED from hacky sack.... ( By Nemo... the jerk)
The rules..
I can stand in the hacky circle as long as i don't do anything.
I can play with my own hacky sack but not Nemo's.
I am starting to agree with Nemo, i really aren't any good. Just today i was hacking by myself under a roof... a small over hang below the roof caught my hacky sack... So even when below a roof my hacky sack ends upon it.
I don't know if this will continue forever.. But i do know that TSHSFYNC.. ( The Secret Hacky Sack, Fuck You Nemo Crew) pronounced "tshhh fink" made up of the select few known as Michael, Emily and Maddie, Are starting a rebellion against the hacky sack repressors!!!
I will hack to the death... My brutality will continue and Nemo...
You can suck my sack.....

Sunday, March 14, 2010

For the first.

Human morality is something that is hard to find. We all have a set of 'built in' morals but we very rarely use them, why is that so!
I would like to plead to humanity or at least my generation of cunt's and crack whores to start to use those shriveled set of rules that remain deep in your hearts because we are losing so much!

I don't understand it. I believe it is something that every living thing on earth strives for, An unknown force that compels us. But have I really ever felt it? How do we know if it's all the same? Does anyone else 'love' pizza shapes the same way I do? I'm scared that I will never know if I have found love before I die.
"I just don't get it"

This wouldn't be a teenagers blog with out some cliche teenage angst! Why is it all so hard!
But seriously it's not that I wouldn't complain if things were so easy, because I'm sure it would become boring... But there are so many complications that occur because we make them harder ourselves! both my headings lead to this hardship. We Love but make it harder by not being sure if it's love or lust or even friendship and this leads us on a path to more confusion with "do they like me back" or is it "love me back"
I would like to think If some people indeed had more morality then less pain would be in the world and until then I'll just wait...