Today I had an Epiphany. While i had an experience outside my bathroom window, As the rain fell, Dampening my hair and catching in my eye lashes. I Remeberd the small gesture you made on my sixteenth birthday. The card made me cry. It said "Dear Zoe i bought this locket for you when you where just a tiny cluster of cells awaiting to come into this world, I will always love you, Your father" This sent my head swimming and made tears stream down my face. I don't know if it's the constant question that i ask myself everyday. "Would you love me more if i was what you wanted me to be?" Or the fact that i had lost all hope that you did indeed love me before you reminded me. But really the gesture makes me think. You didn't do this for the me now. You did it for the me then. The most certainly perfect child you expected. I know you aren't happy with my appearance. You have never once complimented me on my looks. And i know you would rather hide most days. i know you aren't proud of my achivments because you always tell me to do better. I know you wish i was male to begin with. I wish i didn't have to question if you love me or not. But yes you do show small glimpses of affection, I just wish you would actually tell me you loved me because i have never once heard the words pass through your lips. I don't know what more i can do but hope you tell me you love me before you or I leave this world. Because knowing is far better then not.
Right now i feel a feeling i haven't felt for at least two years, It's not a good feeling. It's one that makes me want to hurt myself. And i really have no reason to want that.. I have accepted someone into my life again. and they have already started to hurt me. I Put my feelings on the line today, They weren't crushed. But The outcome isn't good. There is literally a 50/50 chance of happiness. So i don't know how i am meant to react in this situation. I'm confused and upset. I thought i was taking control, But really things are spinning out of control and I'mcompletely stressed. I think i should sleep on it. Or i'm going to do something stupid that may hurt me or others around me. This is possibly a pointless post becausei'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Or worse. I just wish i had more control. I think i made bad choices. And now i have to sit and await the outcome. And i wish i never ever met that person at Douglas's 18thbecause they have hurt me so much and they don't even realise it, They make me feel childish because i hate them because they hurt me. And i can't get over it. i want them to feel the pain i felt and it will never happen. Because again i have no control. I don't posses the power to hurt them. And it hurts me more.
I should always listen to Douglas. I shouldn't listen to myself because i am a very stupid person. And it shows with the choices i make. I can't handle it. I wish i could go for a walk to clear my head. Fuck it i will....
Today was the first day back. I was nervous for some unexplainable reason. but upon arrival all was well again. I like school and I'm going to miss it. A place where people my age gather everyday is going to be hard to find again. I'm scared that i will drown in a sea of my own homework some day soon. but there is no way to catch up! And i don't understand ancient history! I tell myself it will be better when i have two working legs, but I'm sure that's a mental excuse... Any way today was good because i haven't smiled so hard in a long time! i felt as though i was glowing.
I love Emily's new hair.
I love Doug's new/old hat.
I like Rohan's new beanie.
And i generally enjoy the company and friends school provides!
Today i also caught the bus! my observation:
I love Brittani's fingerless gloves in the sunshine.
And i have missed the lovely bus bonding experiences i used to take for granted But now they are back and will be cherished!
Five days have passed since my last post? It doesn't feel like that. Well not much has happened in that space of time. My biggest excitement was going to the "Lithgow plaza"! what a joy..
I have been on the cyber networks mostly, I have been watching films and TV series. One of which is "the vampire diaries" this, as much as i hate to admit it, is pretty damn good. But one flaw to this show is how everyone in it is conventionally "perfect" looking this dulls my sense of reality... because i watch these flawless women, then hobble over to the kitchen and catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and realise how un "perfect" i am, and start to hate myself. But when i think about it, I myself are not attracted to completely flawless people, I'm attracted to something that defines that person such as an odd laugh, and odd feature and a flawed personality. This gets me to thinking, every teenage girl and most likely women wants to be perfect, but to me that in it's self is flawed because to me i find imperfections perfect! it may be contradictory but it's just how i see it!