Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Feeling and control

Right now i feel a feeling i haven't felt for at least two years, It's not a good feeling. It's one that makes me want to hurt myself. And i really have no reason to want that.. I have accepted someone into my life again. and they have already started to hurt me. I Put my feelings on the line today, They weren't crushed. But The outcome isn't good. There is literally a 50/50 chance of happiness. So i don't know how i am meant to react in this situation. I'm confused and upset.
I thought i was taking control, But really things are spinning out of control and I'm completely stressed. I think i should sleep on it. Or i'm going to do something stupid that may hurt me or others around me. This is possibly a pointless post because i'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Or worse.
I just wish i had more control. I think i made bad choices. And now i have to sit and await the outcome.
And i wish i never ever met that person at Douglas's 18th because they have hurt me so much and they don't even realise it, They make me feel childish because i hate them because they hurt me. And i can't get over it. i want them to feel the pain i felt and it will never happen. Because again i have no control. I don't posses the power to hurt them. And it hurts me more.

I should always listen to Douglas. I shouldn't listen to myself because i am a very stupid person.
And it shows with the choices i make.
I can't handle it. I wish i could go for a walk to clear my head.
Fuck it i will....

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