B

Thank you beautiful Belgium boys who made me turn on my seat when i heard you speaking Flemish! You made my night and then you wished me a good one :)

Welcome home Zoe.

I doubt my blogging has been missed, But I'm back and going to blog out the sun!
I have changed over my absence and it seems that my old posts are rather depressing and lonely.
I have decided to change that, and will hopefully focus on the brighter side of my life.

I'm now a proud owner of a fish tank!

It makes me want to scream with joy! :)

Time goes on but do i go with it?

Time: Something that structures our lives.. yet we cannot see it... It's something based on nothing, And i think it beautiful that i have finally found something on this earth that we all believe in! Time is ours and we can share it.. we can keep it we can speed it up and slow it down and defy logic yet it will still keep on ticking! Or will it? Can we be sure this thing will really live on for ever? Will we discover something better and new and no longer all believe in something we can't see? I hope not. i like sharing it with others...

3.44PM

Three is a beautiful number

Finally i have control again. Oh boy do i have plans for you!

Now i can hurt you. And i will feel the pleasure for once.

Gesture.

Today I had an Epiphany. While i had an experience outside my bathroom window, As the rain fell, Dampening my hair and catching in my eye lashes.
I Remeberd the small gesture you made on my sixteenth birthday. The card made me cry. It said "Dear Zoe i bought this locket for you when you where just a tiny cluster of cells awaiting to come into this world, I will always love you, Your father"
This sent my head swimming and made tears stream down my face. I don't know if it's the constant question that i ask myself everyday. "Would you love me more if i was what you wanted me to be?" Or the fact that i had lost all hope that you did indeed love me before you reminded me.
But really the gesture makes me think. You didn't do this for the me now. You did it for the me then. The most certainly perfect child you expected. I know you aren't happy with my appearance. You have never once complimented me on my looks. And i know you would rather hide most days. i know you aren't proud of my achivments because you always tell me to do better. I know you wish i was male to begin with.
I wish i didn't have to question if you love me or not. But yes you do show small glimpses of affection, I just wish you would actually tell me you loved me because i have never once heard the words pass through your lips.
I don't know what more i can do but hope you tell me you love me before you or I leave this world. Because knowing is far better then not.

You douche.

Milk that i would most certainly owe you for, will not substitute for your shitty parenting... Even if the milk was on special.... And that you haven't realised i don't drink full cream...

You will never get it, The gesture makes it worse...

It went away,but.

The feeling came back. I want to feel numb.